Meditation VIII

Really, the smokey noise the trumpet, poured over the rest of night's soft chill would be enough to make anyone forget. But when I showed up late one night unable to get pas the first flight of stares, and my cry up the tower brought down my roommate, it's me who was irresponsible. Who cares if I was gone for two hours, if that cocktail mixed of grief and horror of one self, a creature of itself, had been taken by anyone else, they wouldn't be found for three nights, and then they'd be beyond anyone else.

So it doesn't really matter what I saw. That she didn't bring me to the club where we first met, where beyond anything else, I remember I didn't recognize her at first. She had been taken my shakes away, letting me become someone who I wasn't, and complaining the entire time that I wasn't full of motivation, and spunk. It made me so mad that I sat on the couch all day and complained about her complaining, that I did have motivation, it had just temporarily left me, like I wished my parents had, so I had something worth while to complain about. So I had left, just like my imaginary pa and ma.

There's few I remember after my first glimpse of her, that night. One was the door shutting behind as I snuck out in the middle of a solo, another the fact that the moon was a quarter. Third, is I definitely didn't recognize the man beside her when he sat down. Nor when he kissed her, or put a hand on her knee, or tasted her drink. I didn't recognize him right until I left.

What can I say, I was embarrassed. I was beyond what anyone could consider red, and had ducked out before I had even finished my first drink. The reason the police had sent me home, instead of jail, and my room mate had looked at me so weird. That, and my cheeks were still red when he found me. From exhaustion, mind you. I still have some dignity. But she was happy, I could tell, cause mixed with the snare of the waiters shoes and the clink of glasses was her laugh. Singing through like a harp. Played well with the low ceiling and one pillar that stood in the middle of the room. Caught in the clouds of what I wished was smoke, but I knew was just my imagination.

But really, could I kid myself? I decided as I left, that the harp's laugh belonged to me. So I waited outside having just left, leaning against whatever I could, but finding everything to be a bit too slippery. But as what happens whenever I expect something, get nervous or what not, I had to find a bathroom, and found that the hostess wouldn't let me use the one inside. Probably because she had seen me fall down multiple times. So I ran to the nearest establishment, and ignored the marked walls. On my way in and out, I had spotted a blonde dame, and knew what I could do. She had showed me up, had passed on. Well I was way past what she had been, and knew it then I was so far past her, I had to show her how far past I was. That dame would come with me, and we'd both have a good time, on her dime, mind you. I walked right past her on the way in, and she looked my way, and on the way out, I walked past her right again. Need not bring her into the way of a harpy.

Yeah, her laugh was like a harp, but in reality a harpy. She always had a big nose, more suited to a winged woman than anything else, attacking Odysseus or some other hero like me. But I wouldn't let her bring me, or that awful young dame. But maybe I'd come back and ask her to a bite. I decided in two steps no, and continued down my street.

Maybe I remember more of the night than I think I do. But all I seem to remember is hanging around for an hour before heading home. Didn't remember I had really eaten for two weeks, except rice and almonds. That I usually take the elevator, that when I was mad I always tried to prove myself physically. Whatever it was that I tell you I forget, it's true, and don't worry about it. She definitely did.

And what did she get from it? The ability to make a grown man child run away in fear? Blank out in excitement? Can't really matter to me, can it?

Whatever it means, I put my trumpet down, because it's getting cold and I can't even play, anyways. I decide to get something to eat, and as I sit at my table, I see her again, sitting at table, with a different guy. Or maybe it's the same one. Right now, I'm like whiskey over ice. I can feel the kick I felt when I first felt her, but it's been long enough that the ice has melted a bit, and anyways, I can see right through the sides of the glass.